Log in

No account? Create an account
A rose by any other name... [entries|friends|calendar]
Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[20 Mar 2015|05:52pm]

Hi everyone~Active community alert! (well, will be once YOU join!)

I noticed this community was dead so I thought it would be alright to tell you about my community I am trying to get active again- big_eds I opened big eds in 2009 as a community for bigger girls, however I have recently opened the doors to ALL eating disordered/disordered eating sufferers. We do have open membership with members only posts to protect our members from the outside. We have very few rules besides being kind, so posting is very free and fun!
Please come join me over at big_eds...because eating disorders are big problems.

post comment

One person can only take so much... [29 Mar 2014|09:02pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

I was gone for a while because my mother didn't pay her internet bill -.- which of course meant all my course work fell behind and I was unable to come online. First world problems eh? I mean I'm grateful for having a house and such things but at the same time we online people live in a world were internet is also vital ... I mean for me anyway. I have no real friends to hangout with (in the sense they only contact me when all else fails) and I have college and my little boy to think of so really I don't have time for other people, so having no internet to turn back on is almost hell.

As you can probably tell I have not been having that all of a good time. Update on birthday? two of the the 5 people that even showed up for my birthday (one being my sister as my other sister had a 25th birthday to attend on the same night as my 21st which is a big deal) they point blank got up and left without even telling me and then when confronted on it they had the lamest excuses I have ever heard of.

On top of that I am on a waiting list for temporary accommodation because I am technically homeless and I have been for six months now. My and my fiancé had made plans to move in together and I went through all the procedures necessary for that and now he's informed me (After making all these plans with me, i don't want anyone to get the wrong end of the stick here) that he's leaving in september to go to Leed's music University (Which again would have been fine if he hadn't of made all these plans with me first). I' getting sick of everyone and everything. I have lost no weight ! only gained! a hell of a lot and that is making just not see the point anymore. I can't cope and basically what everyone needs , as a sign of reaching out for help, is for me to open a vein in front of them (Which my mother would probably complain about the blood I would be getting on her floor). I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

Then tonight my "fiancé", as loving and caring as he is and had made plans with me yesterday to eat dinner with me and get me my dinner, went with three girls he doesn't know (two of which I can't stand as one made the point of saying "Your pregnant at 16 what has that baby got to look forward to?" )and getting dinner with them leaving him waking into my mums house at 8:00'0'clock. TOO LATE TO EAT! and he knows this!?!?!?!? now he can't understand why I'm beyond angry with him !

And I got my period.

I hope all you lovely ladies are having a great day ! Sorry for the long rant I needed to get that out there. my other groups with more than likely get a similar (if not the same as I can't be bothered to even type I'm that low) post.

Stay Strong
A x

post comment

To my true friends. I love you. [07 Mar 2014|04:23am]

[ mood | positive ]

I cut today.
It didn't hurt. I just stared at it. As I realized how deep it was and that I could actually seem veins. Blue. Through the giant gap that now exists on my wrist.
I ran for paper towel as blood started pooling to the surface. I got it cleaned up but it did eventually start hurting. Now it hurts to move my wrist. Hurts to use it.
Normally I like the after sting of my cuts. Reminds me sweetly. Not this time. It hurts like a Bitch One slight movement over an inch a it feels like my wrist is going to completely open and my hand is going to fall off.

I hate this. I HATE ed. I hate him. I want to kill him. Why can't I have control? Ed makes me think I'm in control but he always has control. It's never been me. He tells me not to eat. He tells me to purge. He tells me to cut myself to punish myself from being bad being fat imperfect.

I have never felt more ready for recovery. Hearing the panic and concern in my husband When on the phone talking about the recent cut with him, it was breaking my heart. He's the strong one, the one that is always there as strong. And he sounded broken. Because of me. I can't ever do that to him again. I made a promise to him that I would never cut again. I have every intention to uphold that promise. Without him my life is meaningless. I will not risk our marriage for ed. Ed sucks. Ed needs to die. Ed is horrible.

I am ready. I am focused. I will not let ed over power me. Here's to recovery and those in recovery/recovered. It's going to be a long journey but I'm ready. I have to be.

6 comments|post comment

Routine [06 Mar 2014|03:56pm]






post comment

Salt to the cut [03 Mar 2014|07:00pm]

[ mood | alone ]

One of my best friends is moving In the fall. Then tells me how he might be deployed next year with the army. Fml. Great. The one person I turn to with this is leaving. How come every time I get close with someone they leave? It's got to be me. Something wrong with me.
Wtf. I can't do this. I always feel so fucking alone.

So here I am. Doing what I do best. Hiding under my blanket and pushing him away now before it gets harder. God damn it.

I just want to escape

3 comments|post comment

Better [02 Mar 2014|09:33pm]

[ mood | shockingly not bad. ]

Today has been a better day. I haven't cut. I haven't purged. I have eaten some bad foods. But have been heavy on the diet pills. I don't think it's set in how fat I'll be tomorrow from today :/ and that will be the end of me feeling good. I feel good knowing I haven't let my friend down today.

I'm so tired and nervous about my workout tomorrow. I feel like I'll die if I can't do it again. Trying not to think about it. I need to drop weight this month. Bad.

Hope everyone had a week end. Love ya ladies and gent! xx

post comment

I'm new... [03 Mar 2014|12:26am]

[ mood | anxious ]

Hi there beautiful people I'm new to the community. I hope you don't mind me joining. I'm just looking for some people to be friends with and also to help me get rid of my stubborn recovery weight and then some. I don't know what I'm meant to say in my first entry, the only other blog that I have and have kept is my Tumblr and I seem to think that I may have ruined that first post as well lol.

My names Annabella and I'm 21 years old and I hope I get to know some of you and we can be friends :)


2 comments|post comment

... [01 Mar 2014|12:19am]


I feel dead inside.

I am having all these health probs I'm assuming related to my ed. I could finish my workout. I thought my heart was going to stop it hurt so bad. I could breath and I couldnt stop shaking. I lost it. Balled my eyes out. Nate my amazing friend grabbed ahold of me calmed me down and talked me out of where my head was taking me. At first when he was talking to me all I could think about was how I wanted to cut myself. By the end of it I felt so much better. I promised him I wouldn't cut this weekend. I hope I can keep that promise. Idk wtf do wrong with me that I couldn't do that workout. Seriously. Wtf.

So angry that I couldn't/didn't finish my workout. Im a waste.

post comment

Update [28 Feb 2014|06:21pm]

Since the 25th I've gone down 7 pounds! I've been working so hard at losing the 2 pounds and it clearly worked! Finally! I have one more pound to go to reach my short term goal of 116. I should have it within a day or so. Hopefully this weight will stay off and it's not some weird fluid shift! Stay positive people!<3 <3
1 comment|post comment

The first cut is the deepest [27 Feb 2014|04:33pm]

[ mood | hateful ]

I'm so down. Depressed. Hateful

I hate myself. I'm gross.
My thighs are fat
My stomach is huge
My arms are flappy
I have like 3 chins.

Fuck everything. I cut myself today. I want to cut again. I hate myself. It felt so good after I did it. I just want to do it again. I want to feel that sting again.

Wtf is wrong with me.

4 comments|post comment

[24 Feb 2014|10:04am]
Day one of my diet
i lost four pounds this month and i only exercised once .
So i am 59 kilo or 130 pounds i live on salad, gum and water next months goal weight
is 125 pounds.
Wish me luck girls
stay strong
1 comment|post comment

Peaceful [23 Feb 2014|08:22pm]


I was pretty nervous to go away for the weekend with my husband and my goal of trying not to worry about calories and such. But somehow we had a truly great weekend. I have been so focused on my body and the gym and work an internship and school that I managed to forget my husband. I forgot his needs and our relationship. We had a great weekend focusing on each other, getting lost in each other. We had so much fun!!
I did take my diet pills and such all weekend but somehow I let go of counting calories.

But at this point. I'm ready to be back on track! I have meal prepped for tomorrow and am focused. I have a good workout going for me tomorrow. I have TRX at 10am but I'll be going in at 9am doing cardio until 10 then working out more after TRX. I'll be restricting heavily the next week. The guilt and regret is setting in. :( I had such a great weekend I don't want to get down now. But I am. Trying to stay so positive and stay on this happy feeling I have. But my stomach is so full and I feel like puking. Ugckh.

Time for bed before i start doing things I'll really regret. Night ladies hope everyone had a good weekend.

3 comments|post comment

Hopeful [20 Feb 2014|09:20pm]

[ mood | unsure ]

Well today I was focused until dinner time. I worked so hard between the gym drinking water and eating right. Then Bam Fucked up. Tomorrow I'm focused and going hard all day. I'm going away this weekend with my husband for a get-away that we need bad. I'm never home as I'm so busy with school work and my internship. It's supposed to be a weekend just is and me not spazzing about food and stressing. Not sure how that's going to go over. I'm so scared yikes. I want to just be free. At least for the weekend with my hubby.

Arg. Here's hoping.

And some thinspo

2 comments|post comment

Here we go again [20 Feb 2014|04:51pm]

I've decided to start taking phentermine again. I used it a few years back and got great results from it. The only problem is it's pretty expensive and I only have 48 halves left. We'll see how long this lasts. Anyone else use this? Also I've decided to go back to being vegan. Been vegetarian for about 8 years. I need to get down to at least 116 by March 7th because I'm dancing in a show where there's partnering and revealing outfits so I'm freaking out!
3 comments|post comment

Help [18 Feb 2014|03:04pm]


I need some serious support. I have had to get my sodium levels tested twice now because they were low. Well I guess the levels dropped again. And I have to collect urine for 24 hours. Anyone ever had a problem with this? Wondering if it's ed related or just me??? I typically eat just restricted. But I use salt so idk. Any info from experience would be appreciated. I'm sort of freaking out. Why can't I have control of at least one fucking thing in my life.

6 comments|post comment

Trying [17 Feb 2014|12:53pm]

[ mood | positive ]

I had a horrible week last week. Between eating way too much and bad as well as skipping gym days and holding knifes to my wrists while I was drunk just wanting to die. But it's a new week. And I'm not gonna get down. I'm going to work my ass off this week get focused and do better.

Here's to a positive week everyone. Love all of you ladies. Xx

4 comments|post comment

Break? [13 Feb 2014|01:39pm]

[ mood | discouraged ]

I feel like I'm never gonna get a break. I chose recovery. I chose to try to be normal again. I didn't like the first doctor. Now I have to drive over an hour away to see this other one. The closest one that's accepting patients and takes my insurance. I feel so defeated. Like I'm going to have to try to do this on my own.

At this point I have nothing positive. I feel down, discouraged and not seeing a point to recovery.


4 comments|post comment

Non stop [12 Feb 2014|02:48pm]

I've been going on this terrible binge for 3 days straight and I can't stop it!!! I've gained 3 pounds and my poor stomach is so bloated it's about to pop! Help! I can't stop!
post comment

Shrinky do no good [08 Feb 2014|03:54am]

[ mood | awake. ]

Well I saw the psychologist yesterday. He put words in my mouth and belittled my marriage. Then expressed how important it was I was on the highest dose of Prozac. Needless to say, I won't be going back. I'm going to see my regular doctor Monday and I'm going to ask to be sent to a new therapist. I had the worst night at work. Someone tried to fire me that has no authority, I got talked down to all night and orders were barked at me all night. Ugh.

It's 4am and I'm wide awake laying on the couch.

I had 195 calories yesterday and burned 250 at TRX!! Whoop. And I'm down to 136.0!!! Yeahh that's what I'm talking about!!! Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!!!

1 comment|post comment

In top of it [06 Feb 2014|11:04pm]


Well I had an amazing day!!! I consumed 508 calories and burned 583!!!! Boom!!!!!! Negative net. Most amazing thing!!! God that feels awesome I haven't done that in a long time!! You know how on myfitness pal it tells what you'll weigh in 5 weeks?! Best one yet!!!

Proud of that. Now if I can manage this for 5 weeks 113.8 lbs! Just like that. If I can stay strong. I can be thin!!! I worked soooooo hard at the gym today. Can't wait for TRX tomorrow burn off some more. And crossfit again Saturday. Ahh the satisfaction of a great day!!!

Headed to bed. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning then TRX and work. Wheew. Night ladies. You're all gorgeous and strong!!!!

3 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]