run4skinny (run4skinny) wrote in edxnos,

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To my true friends. I love you.

I cut today.
It didn't hurt. I just stared at it. As I realized how deep it was and that I could actually seem veins. Blue. Through the giant gap that now exists on my wrist.
I ran for paper towel as blood started pooling to the surface. I got it cleaned up but it did eventually start hurting. Now it hurts to move my wrist. Hurts to use it.
Normally I like the after sting of my cuts. Reminds me sweetly. Not this time. It hurts like a Bitch One slight movement over an inch a it feels like my wrist is going to completely open and my hand is going to fall off.

I hate this. I HATE ed. I hate him. I want to kill him. Why can't I have control? Ed makes me think I'm in control but he always has control. It's never been me. He tells me not to eat. He tells me to purge. He tells me to cut myself to punish myself from being bad being fat imperfect.

I have never felt more ready for recovery. Hearing the panic and concern in my husband When on the phone talking about the recent cut with him, it was breaking my heart. He's the strong one, the one that is always there as strong. And he sounded broken. Because of me. I can't ever do that to him again. I made a promise to him that I would never cut again. I have every intention to uphold that promise. Without him my life is meaningless. I will not risk our marriage for ed. Ed sucks. Ed needs to die. Ed is horrible.

I am ready. I am focused. I will not let ed over power me. Here's to recovery and those in recovery/recovered. It's going to be a long journey but I'm ready. I have to be.

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I don't want to be rude but this isn't a community to talk about your cutting. And you need to put this behind a cut!! All of anything that triggers should not be open like this!
I will delete the post if that's what needs to be done. We all share and support not eating. Just as harmful. My post is about me opening my eyes and accepting recovery. I'm sorry for you that you can't get last the first sentence. It is never my intention to trigger for anyone. With that said I posted about my first step to recovery. That post means more to me than you'll ever know. Yesterday e.d put my marriage on the line, friendships and my career. Pardon me if I do find your comment offensive, like I said, I have no intention to trigger anyone, if I need to delete this post so be it.
I want to say I don't think you need to delete the post but I would edit the self-harm part to be under a cut and say trigger warning, self-harm talk. The recovery part is fine and doesn't need to be under a cut. Just my opinion. All that being said... next comment...
I didn't say delete it, I'm just saying anything of this sort, needs to be behind a cut. No, this isn't a community for "self-harm" as in CUTTING. Regardless needs to be behind a cut.
I can really relate to what you are going through with the self harm. I've struggled with it for many years. After freaking my boyfriend out one night last May when I cut too deep and bled out like crazy, I got the high I haven't gotten from it in a long time, dissociated, was even giddy from it all. I ended up needing stitches. You may need to check and see if you need stitches too. It's important. They will clean out the wound and see things up. At the very least, disinfect it, get several butterfly bandages to pull the wound together, then cover it with a non-stick gauze pad and tape it down with medical tape. (You can find everything at a pharmacy, Walmart, etc.) Consider it a part of self-care and in that way it is also a step towards recovery.

There is a recovery app called Recovery Record I would suggest! Also, one of my favorite FB pages "I'm possible - a memoir of hope" lots of positive posts from her. </p>

What resources do you have to get help? Are you insured? If not, you may be able to find a free/sliding-scale community mental health clinic. It's hard to find treatment for EDs without decent insurance, but any therapist (with the exception of a few out there that suck,) would be helpful regardless of their ED training.

I hope you can find the help you need!

(a couple posters I made to put up at my mental health clinic :) )